Craig’s List Rant

In the course of trying to sell some of my crap to raise money for the bar, I keep track of the “Wanted” sections for people seeking items we may be willing to part with. I have learned a few things. Bear with me as vent:

If a for sale post specifies a price, and does not include abbreviations such as OBO or phrases like price negotiable,or free to good home, then please don’t send an email saying, “I really need that $700 King Size Mattress your selling but….[I am a single mom]; [no child support]; [god bless you];… so, can I have it for free?” No, you can not have it for free and I am not interested in your sob story which is probably not even true. 

 No, you don’t need a washer and dryer. Would it be nice? Certainly. More convenient? Definitely. But a need? No – and especially not if you expect someone else to give you their expensive household appliances for free. Get off your ass, load up the laundry bags, and get over to the laundromat. I mean, hell, do you want us to wash the damn clothes for you as well?

If you are expecting someone to give you something for free, if you are on Craig’s List begging for free stuff, at least have the intelligence and wherewithal to find a way to pick the damn thing up. It’s bad enough you want expensive shit given to you for free, but you want it hand delivered on a silver fucking platter as well. Seriously? WTF?

If you are seeking free shit, you don’t get to add conditions like, “must be from smoke-free home,” or “cannot have any tears or stains,” or “must still have box,” or “must be pink with purple swirly dots, not purple with pink swirly dots,” or “send me pictures and I’ll see if it’s good enough,” or “must be real leather not pleather,” or “no plastic wine glasses, it has to be real crystal” or whatever other ridiculous demands you’re intending to make. It’s FREE SHIT. Be grateful someone is willing to help your sorry ass out instead of expecting them to customize their shit to fit your greedy demands.

Be realistic. You are not going to get a 2004 or newer running car in good shape with no dents, scratches or mechanical problems for $400. Stop fucking asking. Yes, you’re a single parent, life has shit on you, you’re going to school, you have no money blah blah blah. If your transportation needs are that great, lower your damn expectations. “$400 for any half-way decent running car” is a good place to start. It’s still not likely to get you a lot of responses, but at least it’s more realistic.

So you’re going to be a too young single mommy. Hooray. Let me offer my congratulations. It’s completely understandable that new parents may not have the money for extras like a baby swing, a high-end stroller, pretty room decor, etc. Nothing wrong with asking for people to sell you their gently used items – when my daughter grew out of  her stuff, we sold it cheaply to other new moms, everyone was happy. If, however, you are sitting down to write an ad about how destitute you are, how you can’t afford diapers, how you need a free crib and swing and port-a-crib, and stroller, and bouncy seat, and bassinet, and christening outfit, and clothes, and car seat, and they should all match and have pink bunnies with little green froggies..and…this…and….that…and….STOP! Stop imagining people on the interwebs just dying to give away there expensive shit to you.

 But there is a reason why people are reluctant to part with their old baby shit for free: they plunked their hard earned money down for baby shit that IS ACTUALLY EXPENSIVE. You know what? I’m probably not going to use the McClaren pink stroller for anything but maybe target practice – but I still had to lay out a whole bucket load of cash to buy it to begin with, and your greedy little “I want everything free for my baby because it has to be perfect even though I expect to get it all for free” posts made, day in and day out, are NOT inspiring me to part with my old baby stuff so as to benefit you. I am more likely to ride that stroller through the mall in a pink bunny suit  just to spite your greed and stupidity. I will than email you a video of me  running over the stroller with a tractor just for fun. 

Stop signing your begs with “god bless.” Why? Because in so doing, you’re screwing yourself. Those who would react positively to such a comment are the types who would offer you help even without the added “god bless.” But you make some major huge assumptions about your audience when you add that little line, mainly, that they are all/mostly Christians. This is the internet. It’s a good bet “god bless” isn’t viewed as positively as you might hope, and that a whole lot of people who might otherwise have responded with offers are going to click right back out of your post. Not because they are anti-god, or anti-Christian, or whatever – but because they see through your bullshit. They know damn well you’ve tacked that on hoping to play on the sympathies of “good Christians everywhere.” They know you don’t mean a word of it, that you’re using it as a way to manipulate others. Knock…it…the…fuck…off. The people you ARE fooling can’t help you. The people who are NOT fooled, can help, but won’t. They may not be Christians, but they don’t like seeing Christians manipulated any more than they like seeing it happen to anyone else.

If you need help to not get evicted, not get your lights shut off, etc. – sure, you can post an ad asking for help. Who knows, someone might actually respond. But you have a better shot if you take matters into your own hands and start looking for other ways to get those bills paid. Put up a request on – be prepared to PROVE your need. Go through your house and sell every damn thing you don’t need – all those DVDs, your TV, your stereo, your MP3 player, your cell phone, your laptop – whatever it takes. None of those things will do you a damn bit of good without a roof or electricity, and you can live without all of them and so much more. Sell your shit! Stop expecting someone else to come rescue you. Oh, and here’s a tip – when someone emails you and questions why you haven’t sold your computer and shut off your cable/internet, don’t lie and tell them you’re posting from the library. When you email them back, they’re going to check the headers on your email and run the IP address – they’re going to know you’re a Roadrunner customer, not posting from a library ISP. People don’t help liars, particularly those who don’t help themselves.

I’m sure there are other points I’ve forgotten, and I reserve the right to edit this as needed to include them.

Thanks for letting me vent.


14 Comments on “Craig’s List Rant”

  1. Eugene says:

    You should check out this website make sure you’re not on there: I may have posted about this before, but this guy basically answers Craigslist ads and messes with the people who are posting them. Some of them are pretty funny. I haven’t been on there in a long time so not sure what the newest content is like.


  2. dadshouse says:

    Hahahahaha – I’ve been there! I know how you feel. Thanks for venting, for all of us! I hate those Craigslist buyers who say “I know you’re asking for $100, but I can get it elsewhere for $25” FINE – then get it elsewhere! Why are you bothering me!

    Oy. I needed to vent, too.

    have a great weekend!


    • O'Shea Shenanigans says:

      I know right? Why do responders bother telling you that they can get it cheaper? Don’t tell me, just go get it. I don’t give a shit.


  3. Me says:

    Do all these people work for the goverment? Sounds just like the gov’t wanting to bail everyone out with my money


  4. SurfinGuy833 says:

    Well my girl friend just broke up with me over email about an hour ago so thought this would be a great place to start letting people know she broke up with me because I break out in hives whenver we have sex. Gross too, they pop and puss starts pouring out. Now, I have to move back into my parent’s basement. . Just go to http://www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


  5. Jeanmarie says:

    Amen Bro-ham! Well said….er..I mean typed!


  6. SurfinGuy405 says:

    Well I just got a text message from my girl friend that she broke up with me! I think it is because I have an extremley small penis and I cry like a girl after we have sex. Bad news for me but great for you! I am such a loser…even the fat chicks hate me. Just go to http://www.gf4fxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


  7. Brad Ducey says:

    …soooo, let me get this straight….can I, or can I not have the matress?


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