Thoughts of a 35 Year OldPosted: September 22, 2009
Some of you may know I am not a big fan of forwards on the internet. To me, they are a lazy way to keep in touch. Forwards do not count as much as a personal email, sorry kids they just do not. But every now and then you get one in the ‘ol inbox and say to yourself:” let’s do this thing”…and click on it with a vengence. When I read the following list, my first reaction was:” OK, who the hell is in my head? How are they reading my thoughts?” Than I remembered I am insane, and those voices go away shortly after my meds.
Holy shit these are things I think about while in traffic:
-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.
-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
And if you do not drink, all your stories suck.
-That’s enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.
– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
– Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
– I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
– Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the hell the person died.
– I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty.. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
– Bad decisions make good stories
-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
– Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.
-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t
watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room.
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit. [yes]
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however a large number of electrons were inconvenienced.