Valentine’s Day at the Old Grist Mill

Let’s kick things off with the fact that I made reservations a few weeks in advance. That’s right, yours truly thought ahead. Stop laughing. Truth be told it was quite easy because a few weeks earlier Laurie must’ve grabbed a hold of my cell phone and set a reminder for me to make reservations. Back to the story.

I made reservations at the Old Grist Mill in Bloomingburg, NY for 5 pm, table by the window. I called the babysitter, made the arrangements for her to be at the house at 4:30. I sat down and gleefuly envisioned Yoda: Excellent work Brian,Jedi soon you to be.

We arrived to see our table was waiting for us. All the way in the corner against the window for a lovely view of the stream. Excellent,we  like the corner table. There was a nice couple next us having dessert when we sat down. I think they were engaged or something. Laurie noticed her diamond and heard the word “wedding” a few times.  More on the table next to us in a minute. When our waitress arrived we ordered “drinks and keep them coming.” Kidding about “keep the coming”  part but seriously, we ordered drinks. Oh, and the most delicious crabcake appetizer in the world. The place takes the bue ribbon at the state fair for crabcakes. i don’t care if they were up against Babe the pig. As we began chatting away about various topics, the nice young, quite soone to be married couple left. Brace your selves. Enter the Wal*Mart shoppers. Oh here we go. I will describe them for you. The guy was my height, but alot fatter than me, with a high and tight hair cut with a moustache. If Peter Griffin from Family Guy had a moustache, this would be him. She, oh dear lord…she had a poor die job or an incomplete one, (maybe the rest was on layaway?) gaudy light blue moo-moo. Wore a ton, I mean a ton of make up even bright red lipstick of course. Both of them were loud. You know the type. Talking to one another from across the room.  The kinds of voices that hit you like a bricks to the head. I could feel myself getting angry, but I drew in a deep breath, closed my eyes like Daniel-son in Karate Kid when he was about to do the Crane Kick on Johnny than I drank some more Vodka and Tonic.  The waitress came to their table and asked about drinks and appetizers. I could have sworn he was going to order a Mountain Due, the hill billy drink of choice. He made a point to tell the nice waitress that they “were keeping it light tonight”  and that they “come here all the time” and” were goin out to the bar to see the band”  Another words: “I can not afford this meal, but I want you to know I am not dirt poor. I am waaay to cool to remember the actual name of the bar so I will just say The Bar!” Already the guys was a b.s. artist.

They sat down at I would say 6 and were gone by 6:40. But let me tell you what happened in that god awful 40 minutes. First off, spending 40 minutes in the Old Grist Mill is putting the restaurant on the same level as say…McDonald’s or even Applebee’s. You want to sit and enjoy your meal at 30.00 a plate. One wishes to get the whole dining out experience. Oh but no,not Hill Billy Bob and Wynona Judd. He must’ve ordered the #3, not super-sized (keeping it light!) and she got a Happy Meal. Why bother going to a fancy restaurant just to open your mouth and shovel it in? I am getting off topic here. So, we were forced to listen to this fool ramble on about how he is going to go down to the mechanic and raise holy hell because they lied to him three times about some brake job. and how he is going to wait until there were alot of cars in the lot…than go in and raise holy hell in the mechanic shop. He is waiting to raise holy hell? Isn’t that done right on the spot? Why talk about it? Do it. Now, this mechanic he was referring to is the same one I have used for the last 4 years and has been nothing but honest and forthright. Moustache boy was upset because there was rust on his rotors. Rust! At this time, a young man (why in God’s name could’nt we be sitting next to them??) leaned over and said:” I am a mechanic and rotors could get a little rust on them just from the rain” yadda yadda yadda. Than, this kentucky-inbred trailer trash says:” I am an ASE certified mechanic, I know what I am talking about. They are lying They lied to me three times about these rotors.”  The young gentleman realizing it was fruitless to argue with a man shoveling $45.00 worth of food down his gullet simply said: ” aaaalright” and went back to his date. It is now 6:04. I took another sip of vodka and tonic with a couple of things floating around in the ‘ol noggin:   If pretel, you are ASE certified, why are you bringing your car in to get fixed? Can’t you fix it yourself? Would’nt you know if another mechanic was lying to you at say lie #1? Why does it take you 3 lies to realize you are being lied to?

Ya follow me? Another words, Moustache Man is a lying sack of  Sugar Honey Ice Tea.  Next topic of Jerry Springer goodness was how he is going to continue with his lawsuit despite his lawyer’s advice not to.  Because Moustach Man in additon to world-class ACE certified, Nobel Peace Prize Winner, he is a bar-certified lawyer too apparently. Yeah, what does that lawyer know any how?  I am not sure what the lawsuit was about but I am willing to bet it was frivolous. My head was spinning from the garbage spewing from this fat know it all moron’s mouth. Finally, they were done with the one and only dish they ordered and skipped dessert, because they were late to see “the band at the bar”. Because you know…cool people can not say the actual name of  a particular bar, just call it “the bar. ” What is sad is, this guy actually thinks he is king-ding-aling. How someone has not punched this idiot out yet is beyond me. I thought about it. Pretty sure the nice young man thought about it. To bad I like my pension way to much to do anything. Oh couple more nuggets: Did you know they knew the bass player in the band playing at the bar? You didn’t? Now you do. And so do I. So does the rest of the restaurant.  Last time he had to park down the road and behind a different building and walk because SHE made him late. The guy is simply a Muppet. Probably Fozi Bear.  At 6:40, they mercifuly left.  I noticed he paid in cash and I’m guessing he does not have the credit for a debit card. At this point, our main course just arrived. Hey wait a tick…Why was theirs brought out first? My guess is to get them the hell outta there. The staff probably draws straws to see who has to serve them. On a lighter note, tip of the cap to the chef, the food was incredible. Make note my faithful readers you will be  going to the Grist Mill when you come up to visit.  [Jedi mind trick motion] You will get crabcakes.

Dessert was excellent too as usual. But than again, if your dessert is bad you should just close shop.

On our way out as we passed the young gentleman, I leaned over and mocked:” I am an ASE mechanice and I know blah blah blah”  The kid laughed and shook my hand and said:” that guy was a total douche.”

Well said my new best friend. Well said.